I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
