If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
