Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
