i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
