my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
