i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize