$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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