Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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