My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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