my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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