why didn't you poke me back
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
