It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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