you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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