Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
