i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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