He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize