new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
