FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
