don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
