Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
