I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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