when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
