What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
