You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
