I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
