I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
