God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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