I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
