I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
