My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
