Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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