1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize