Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
