i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
