If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
