I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
