it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
