mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
