I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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