I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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