That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
