time to smoke my breakfast
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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