seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
