I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize