a queef is a wish your heart makes.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
