She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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