I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
