I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize