I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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