So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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