if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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