If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
