Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
