She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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