I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
