Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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