Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
